Back in my day . . . spy movies were awesome. So is this one!
Written and Directed by: Christopher McQuarrie
Cast: Tom Cruise, The Mustache, Simon Pegg, Rebecca Ferguson, Ving (the schnoz) Rhames
I thought I watched all the Mission Impossible movies that exist, but it was painfully obvious to me that I didn’t watch the last one, Rogue Nation. Because there were so many mentions of the events from Rogue Nation that I was waiting for a proctor to greet me coming out of the theater.
So, from what I could piece together, the last movie ended with the capture of a rogue British agent named Solomon Lane, not Solomon Kane. And he released some nerve gas in India and was brought down by Ethan Hunt. That’s Tom Cruise’s character, I mean, ffs this is like the tenth Mission Impossible film with him, do I need to tell you who Ethan Hunt is?
Fallout starts out with a climactic bang, as Hunt is haunted by his decision to keep Lane alive and incarcerated. He rightly assumes that that was a colossal mistake. Look here, you punks, never let the bad guy live. Fuck Batman, he’s a rich whiny wimp who lets countless other people die to keep stupid psychopaths alive. So, lesson is, ALWAYS KILL THE BADGUY, it makes it MUCH harder for him to coordinate his revenge plots against you and find your fragile family and loved ones to dangle participallly in front of you.
Keeping this clown alive was a major screw up, and now Lane has a group of followers called The Apostles. They are loyal to his cause to bring about the end of religion as we know it. It’s his cleansing of the masses. He wants to bring about nuclear fallout of the three pillars of religion (oh, fallout just like the title – woah, that’s clever). But not if Hunt and his aged, very very aged crew of IMFers has anything to say about it.
They arrange a meeting to get some plutonium balls that look like something sweaty, large Italian men, or I guess Cubans here in Florida, might bring to a park pavilion to play bocce ball
Playing the part of facilitator is Vanessa Kirby as White Widow, a cross between Gazelle from Zootopia and that chick from #GOTG2 with the walking red carpet always in tow. The White Widow is convinced Hunt is Lark and there’s now a plot twist as to how he will pay to get the shiny, bouncy, bad balls. He has to retrieve a special package. While I do spoilers in these reviews now that Hollywood has broken me, I am still not so much of a grouch that I will ruin this mild twist.
Hunt kinda dropped the ball, ha ha, early on in the movie trying to get the plutonium in Berlin, so the CIA or IMF or whoever Alec Baldwin and Angela Bassett are supposed to be have assigned him a babysitter, evil universe Tom Selleck in the form of Walker (The Mustache Cavill). Walker is not very cunning. He just uses his muscles and bravado to deal with any idiot dumb enough to get in his path. Hunt has to save his ass one time, but the ungrateful bastard doesn’t even thank Hunt.
Now the CIA and IMF are being led by the real Lark to believe that Hunt is the Apostle leader. It gets a little confusing what happens next. But, if you’ve seen any of these movies you know Hunt is being framed to appear to be the mole . . . again.
Then, some people die. We are all sad about it, then a big reveal is revealed revealing a revelation so revealing that only a ten year old with a Hardy Boys merit badge could figure it out. Should I reveal that? No, I guess morons have to be able to figure out some puzzles. Granted, I still can’t do those damned Rubik’s Cubes. My generation knows they are best for chucking at neighborhood kids trying to sell me magazine subscriptions. I mean, I am old, but even I don’t get magazines anymore. I know how to work my ‘puter just fine, thanks!
Now Hunt and the rest of the IMF have to deal with the retrieved package and the new threat and figure out how to save the world. Basically a typical day for the IMF.
If you like action movies that make you think a lot you will be disappointed unless you are a window-licking buffoon. But, if you like action movies that set up enough plot and story to keep the suspense alive and get to the good shit, Fallout is right for you.
The fight sequences alone make this one a solid choice for any ’80s kid that is now grown up and getting called old by millennials while also being too young to be called old by real old people. That’s where I am at now, in case it wasn’t painfully obvious. But for those people like me who just want to sit on the edge of your seat as bad guys try to kill good guys and good guys have to use cool gear and weapons to defeat them, Fallout is great!
Here’s my GBU bomb!
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