“No amount of money is worth your freedom.”
Directed by: Kevin Fair
Written by: Barbara Marshall
Cast: Jana Kramer, Leah Gibson, Matty Finochio, Jessica Sipos
Swift shot: Awhile ago, I think it might have been Dane Cook, but a standup comic of some repute said that Lifetime movies are probably the best things on TV. They get a bad rap for being lessor films. But he was right, they typically have sex and violence and betrayal and passion and there’s usually a serial killer or someone unhinged. So judge me for liking these movies, I really don’t care. Sometimes, I am just looking to be entertained. And Soccer Mom Madam was incredibly entertaining! You had sex and crime and betrayal and even family drama . . . all based on a real New York madam who juggled being a mom and running an elite, exclusive escort service with some of the richest guys on the planet on her little black spreadsheet.
Whenever I watch an LMN movie, I am looking for two things. The title better play out in the most literal sense possible, and ideally it should make my heart race a bit. Writer Barbara Marshall delivered on both! First off, Anna (Kramer) is indeed both a soccer mom and a madam. And I was engaged watching how she dealt with certain aspects of her criminal empire. Won’t spoil anything here, but I will say I was not disappointed in how these scenes played out.
Anna is a widow with two young kids who must face not only the tragedy of losing her husband but the reality of keeping her home and feeding those little angels. Thing is, she has zero marketable skills, as happy homemaker is just not good enough to land her a job anywhere in New York that will even come close to what she needs. And that is what I liked about Anna, it wasn’t that she was lazy or turned to crime for greed. Much like with Walter White, she starts out of necessity.
One desperate night she turns to her cousin, Letty (Gibson) to live with her for a bit while she tries to find work. But soon she’s working at the front desk of Letty’s rub-and-tug operation. And for someone with no marketable skills, she takes to the organizing like a duck to water. Her suggestions and minor tweaks soon elevate the business. But, as with all tales of hubris, she starts to get too ambitious.
Letty has a business partner, I guess technically a pimp, but he’s also a lawyer (same fucking difference) named Arty (Finochio). Uncle Arty is not a stereotypical sleaze ball, he’s actually a remarkably likeable character. And once Anna convinces him to expand their business, Letty becomes almost an afterthought with Anna running the show.
She recruits a sexy college girl, Vicky (Sipos) and has a few rules for her ladies as well as her clients. Using exclusivity as her angle, she ropes in mutli-millionaires and billionaires with her girls. A few of my chuckles came from the colorful nicknames she gives to the clients.
The business thrives.
This goes on for quite some time, and as Anna’s kids mature, Anna has to figure out how to navigate being a super mom and a madam to the elites across the globe. This is, as Jamie Nash says, “the movie we came to see.”
There were a lot of problems with the editing and cinematography, but I truly appreciated the effort. The beginning of the film starts out a bit like Goodfellas or other gangster movies, and there were attempts made at recreating the narration over a quick zoom in effect that Scorsese has mastered, but it’s clear whatever Kevin Fair was working with just wasn’t cutting it. But, again, this is a TV movie, and if you’re looking for Michael Ballhaus levels of delivery, you’re high! Also, that effect was starting to give me a headache, so I was glad it was pretty short-lived.
So, yea, go on with your “Lifetime is Television for vaginas” or “Television for idiots” all you want. I wanted to see a movie about a soccer mom madam, and that is exactly what I got. If you are looking for that too, you know what to do!
