It needs to be said, ushers used to be effective. And maybe I just happen to live in a spineless area of the country, where the men aren’t men and the sheep run scared-but no, my dad was an usher in the 60s and when he flashed his light in your face and uttered the words, “You, Out!” there were no arguments.
Am I alone here, do people even care that they are scoffing the rules of the theater and ruining it for everyone else? These are the list of people if I was an usher they would quite simply, get tazed until the drool stream running from their chin formed a puddle the size of my combat boots.
They are as follows, and they are all of them, douche bags!
1. “Paraints” People who bring babies to R-rated films, you should be brought up on charges – and you fucking know it!
2. “Twexters” Cell phone users, people who sit on the phone texting and or actually talking, in some cases, throughout the film.
3. “Color commentators” I don’t give a fucking fuck what you think about the movie, and you are really about 3 inches away from getting the shit kicked out of you in front of your friends.
4. “Foot people” You are the dumbasses who put your feet on the seat in front of you, sometimes removing your shoes even! Have you no fucking shame?
5. “Rustlers or Bag People” You have deceptively brought in food from outside the theater (which I commend, sticking it to the man there) but, you are so blatant about it and rustle your plastic bags to brag about it to the rest of the theater goers. Discretion people, discretion. If you can’t open the wrapper in three seconds, you are too fat or awkward to eat whatever the fuck it is. Let it go, wait a fucking hour or so and eat it later.
6. “Taints or simply, Punks” You are the rabble of idiots who think you are tough, yet haven’t done shit in your life yet, and without your six other friends you would run at the site of any real conflict immediately.
Exceptions follow for some of these.
1. “Paraints” If your kid is old enough to know something is make believe and you have screened the film prior, fine, but please realize you are exposing them to graphic scenes and when they start killing all the cats in the neighborhood, or touching other children inappropriately – you have only yourself to blame.
2. “Twexters” If you are a fucking brain surgeon, you can have a cell phone, on vibrate, with a special Holy Shit – someone is dying – vibration that means you have to go NOW. And then, you go!
3. “Color Commentators” You are totally caught up in the moment of a scene and you can’t help but blurt something out, sparingly. Unless you are some kind of moron, you know the images on the screen aren’t real, they are actors, and the monster can’t get you etc.
If Rick Swift ran things, the following punishment would be doled out to each of the offenders.
1. Paraints, would have to take parenting classes, period!
2. “Twexters” would have cell phone confiscated, or destroyed, depending on my mood that night – in extreme cases, I would make you do the destroying.
3. “Commentators” would have their mouths duct-taped shut after the third offense, as I stated, sometimes an emotional outburst is tolerated, but not through the entire movie.
4. “Foot People” would have to give ME a foot massage after I run five miles and have eaten nothing but egg-salad all day.
5. “Rustlers” would be forced out of the theater and barred from returning for a month. We would put your photo at the front like a check bouncer or a shoplifter.
6. “Taints” would get my father’s treatment, and if there were six of you, like dad used to do, he would bring 10 ushers. Eventually you would be outnumbered, and incidentally, I wouldn’t let you in the theater in the first place if there were six or more punks together. Or, I would let you in the theater but you would have to wear a bright pink punk shirt, so the ushers could easily deal with you.
“Rick, you are mean”, sayeth the sap. Ok, maybe I am being unfair, apparently an ushers only job is to escort you to your seat, a BOUNCER is what we need. I think we should have movie bouncers, who wants to break the ground on this? I smell a company in the works. And, just to make sure they are mean SOBs, make them wear little pill cap hats and vests with neon pink, that way, they are already in a constant state of pissed off!
If you are offended by any of these statements, think about a movie that was flat out ruined because of one of these dumbasses! I will bet you that you can name at least one film that was a wash at the theater and you missed half of it due to the douchebags above. This has been a public service announcement, courtesy of Rick Swift of FilmGrouch.com.
