“I can’t wait for Parcheesi, the movie!” – – – Aceman
Swift shot: Join the Navy, they said, kill some aliens, they said, and then get the girl. This film is what sailors fantasize about when they are bored on watch. This movie was basically ID4 meets Pearl Harbor, but while it was complete Unbelievable Bull Shit, or UBBS as a friend of mine likes to say, it was still a lot of fun to watch. Launched by @Hasbro, Battleship plays out as a straight-forward naval action film, where they even manage a not entirely cheesy as expected nod to the board game inspiring the film’s title. You’ll either love that part or your eyes will roll so hard they will pop out and end up stuck to the theater floor with some Milk Duds and God knows what else.
Stone Hopper (Alexander Skarsgård) is helping his punk brother, Alex (Taylor Kitsch) celebrate his birthday at a local dive in Hawaii, and takes the opportunity to get Alex to turn his life around and get some direction. In the midst of his pep-talk, a stunning blonde walks into the bar and catches Alex’s, let’s say attention. All she wants is a chicken burrito, but the “kitchen” is closed for the night. In a move that is all brawn and no brains, Alex breaks into a convenience store across the street to get her the burrito. If you are an avid viewer of those “America’s Dumbest Criminal” shows, you will see they took a frame by frame re-enactment of an actual break-in caught on tape. It was a funny bit. And, to his credit, Alex does deliver the burrito to said beauty, Samantha Shane (Brooklyn Decker), but winds up with shocking results for his trouble.
This is Stone’s breaking point, and he gives his wayward brother an ultimatum, either join the Navy, like him, or move the hell out and grow up. Some time passes, not sure how much, but when we next see Alex, he is a Lieutenant on the John Paul Jones DDG-53, and is about to participate in RIMPAC 2012. Essentially a Pacific Rim International Naval Exercise, which actually exists. Lieutenant Hopper is a hot-head, and he lets his bravado still dictate his actions, only now he is responsible for more than just his own butt. He reminded me a lot of Jim Tiberius Kirk in his early days, actually. His reckless disregard for common-sense borders on retarded though (unlike Kirk), because he does something in the RIMPAC opening formation that could cause him to lose his naval career. Not to mention he pisses off Admiral Shane (Liam Neeson) who is also Samantha’s dear old dad.
But, no worries, the alien invasion takes precedent over shipping him out of the Navy. As ultimately his destroyer is the only thing that can save . . . well, the whole planet. And, here is where even the UBBS factor can’t be ignored. When the aliens approach, first Hong Kong is devastated, and our gov’t is aware there are extra-terrestrial vessels that caused the destruction. [Swift aside: There is even a cameo by a certain famous Hawaiian that some cheered for and some jeered for. If you follow me on twitter @rickswift, you’ll know what noise I made]
And, oh yea, there is a total Godzilla under-tone, as the aliens are ultimately compared to lizards, and the fact that the Japanese Navy is working in tandem with the US to thwart the invasion, well, I kept thinking . . . Gohrzira, whenever the Japanese and aliens were on screen.
What sucked was that here the earth is, at the very least, accidentally hit by a large formation of objects from space, yet, the whole of Pearl Harbor is out doing stuipid crap like playing baseball, going about their normal routine etc. The film-makers wanted it to seem like the attack was out-of-the-blue, but this was not the Imperial Naval surprise attack launched in 1941, at least a day has passed since first contact, and Marines at Kaneohe Bay looked like their only concern was wiping the wings on their aircraft, and the RIMPAC exercises were going on as scheduled, in other words, it was an SOP/BAU type of day, with no one even the slightest bit concerned by the fact that 25,000 people just got vaporized in Hong Kong . . . . hardly. I can overlook special-effects and twisting science, but I can’t overlook that kind of storyline gaffe.
But, once you overlook the things like the fact that someone from the bridge would be sent out to investigate a giant monolith in the ocean . . . and NOT a SEAL team (just so they can consistently show Rihanna looking like a bad-ass), or the fact that a PT boat could just mosey on up to that same monolith and go unscathed when it decides to unleash hell, or the fact that . . . actually, let’s just throw facts right the hell out the porthole and enjoy the film. Because if facts is what you are after, steer clear of this movie. Let me say again, if facts are what you are after, steer clear . . . you may have a heart attack otherwise.
Now that those pesky facts are gone, here is what I did enjoy very much. One of the standout heroes of the film, Colonel Canales was portrayed by an actual Wounded Warrior, Gregory D. Gadson, who is out hiking, you know, a day after the earth is invaded, with Alex’s girl, she is his physical therapist. The film-makers did a nice job using him in a way that was credible, for the most part, but during his big face-off with one of the aliens, I heard the guy next to me say . . . “Oh, come on!” But, it was already established, this movie was merely a sailor’s wet-dream, a fantasy in every sense of the word. So, I just laughed, because by this point I was interested to see just how insanely creative Director Peter Berg and writers, the brothers Hoeber, could get.
Suffice to say, when a mighty old friend from our past has to join the fray, I was amused, amazed and moved. That is exactly how the film played out for me all night actually, it was just entertaining badassery salted with complete UBBS – but still a great film to just plug-in to some six year old’s imagination, as you realize Peter Berg essentially just turned the Pacific Ocean into his own personal bathtub, and we got to watch him play with some incredible bath toys. It was another one of these films that was bad-ass and shouldn’t be dissected by nit-wits like me. Just enjoy it! I hope Hasbro does get inspired to create some other titles in the future, I mean, wouldn’t Battle Beasts the movie be freakin’ sweet?!? Also, stick around after the credits . . . I smell a sequel.
