“You had me at ‘Fuck you.'”
The H-Bomb: James Bonomo (Sylvester Stallone) is a hit-man based in New Orleans who, along with his partner of six years, carries out a hit on some coked up no-neck in a swanky hotel suite. Things get a bit messy, but, at the end of day, the job gets done and they hit a nearby watering hole to unwind. When Bonomo heads to the john to relieve himself, his partner gets knifed the fuck up, professional style, by some gigantic pony-tailed thug-for-hire, Keegan (Jason Momoa), who looks like he stepped right out of a 1980’s Steven Seagal flick. This ginormous goon then heads to the toilet to take out Bonomo, not realizing that he’s fuckin’ with both Rocky and Rambo.
A few punches and one destroyed restroom later, Bonomo just barely slips away with his life intact, and comes to the realization that he and his partner were double-crossed by whoever hired them to kill the guy in the hotel. The guy in the hotel, as it turns out, was an ex-cop from D.C. who was apparently into all sorts of shady shite. His old partner, Detective Taylor Kwon (Sung Kang), a squeaky clean honest cop, arrives in New Orleans to investigate his death. After the local cops make it perfectly clear that he’s not welcome in their city and have no intention of helping him, Kwon traces the hotel hit to Bonomo, who he tracks down and makes the oh-so-likely proposition that they work together in order to find out who’s behind this mess.
Bonomo, after giving the matter some serious thought, reluctantly agrees, because hey, it’s not like he has anything better to do… ya know, like get the fuck outta town! So, after a bit of leg work, this mismatched duo traces the whole bloody affair to some escaped African war criminal guy (Adewale Akinnouve-Agbaje) and his slimy, real estate lawyer (Christian Slater, reminding the world he’s still alive). What ensues from there is undeniably the most amazing, awesome action movie EVAR!
Okay… not really. Bullet to the Head is exactly the kind of movie that is typically released during this time of year, Hollywood’s slow season, if you will. It’s the kind of unremarkable, mildly diverting action flick that you’ll probably get a kick out of while watching it, but that you immediately start to forget the second it’s over. It’s a movie you catch a matinee showing of if you’re bored and you’ve already seen everything else that’s playing, one that you might rent if there’s absolutely nothing else on the video store shelves that looks even remotely interesting (an outdated example, I know, but I’m making a point). It’s a totally generic shoot ’em up, one that, in a few years time, even the people who made it will have forgotten that it exists.
That said, it is moderately entertaining, and fans of bloody, foul-mouthed action romps from the 80’s will get their money’s worth out of it… provided they don’t pay full ticket price. Directed by the hit-or-miss, tough guy movie maker Walter Hill (48 Hours, The Warriors), Bullet to the Head is essentially 90 minutes of Sly Stallone putting bullets into people’s heads (if nothing else, the movie is appropriately titled), and given its modest aims, it does succeed. Stallone certainly looks great, and he can still convincingly kick the crap out of guys half his age (steroids, an aging action star’s best friend). He’s completely playing off his image, which is perfectly fine, and his constant wisecracks will keep you chuckling throughout. In short, the guy’s still got it.
Kang, as the cop companion, doesn’t fair as well, mainly because his role is pretty terribly written. I’d be surprised to find out that screenwriter Alessandro Camon didn’t set out to make Kwon the most inept, bone-headed cop in cinematic history, because that’s essentially what he did. His fuck-ups in this flick are so numerous I could do a lengthy write-up entirely about them. He constantly puts his trust in the local cops, even though they prove time and time again they can’t be trusted. He’s constantly not trusting Bonomo, even though Bonomo proves time and time again he can be trusted, and if you made a drinking game where you take a shot every time he uses his cell phone to look up background information on a character (clunky exposition alert), you’d be dead by the time the movie’s over.
But, picking apart the characters and plot mechanics in a movie like Bullet to the Head is kind of pointless. This movie isn’t about richly defined characters or great acting (though I will give props to Momoa as the chief heavy, he actually is a lot of fun), it’s about watching some impossibly old codger improbably kicking people’s asses for an hour and a half. That’s it. If you’re a hardcore Stallone fan and that sounds like your thing, then by all means, treat yourself, you won’t be disappointed. For the rest of us, though, this one is not exactly screaming to be seen on the big screen.
