“This isn’t that kind of movie”
Swift shot: Explosive and flamboyant – a fun, campy action film! Imagine if Kick Ass were a spy, oh, wait, that’s exactly what you’ve got with Kingsman: The Secret Service, directed by Matthew Vaughn and co-created by Mark Millar and Dave Gibbons, who created the incredibly successful Kick Ass comics too. Director Vaughn borrows heavily from his successes with X-Men: First Class, as well he should. A few times I was looking for Professor X, but I was not disappointed by the Kingsman and their tailor-made knights. The violence was delicious, like a Happy Meal of melee with a side of foolishness.
Eggsy (Taron Egerton) is the son of a fallen hero, but a father he barely knew, and his mum, (or mom, as we call them here across the pond) has devolved after she loses her husband to a top secret organization almost no one knows exists, the Kingsman Secret Service. Upon his father’s death, Eggsy is visited by a mysterious man who gives him a coin and explains that if he ever needs any favor at all to call the number on the back and tell the operator “Oxfords, not brogues.” This way they’ll know it is serious.
One night, Eggsy has finally had enough of the piece of human filth, Dean that is now bedding his mum, and he decides to teach the petty gangster’s thugs a lesson. After that encounter, Eggsy has to call the number, and hears something about “thanks for being a loyal customer” then the line goes dead. He immediately feels like he placed his faith in the wrong people.
But, of course, a valiant knight, Harry Hart code-named Galahad (Colin Firth) comes to rescue him from his own stupidity. But, after he saves Eggsy’s skin over a nice pint, he provides him an opportunity to join him. They are rudely interrupted during this moment, and Galahad unloads on some goons that pass for tough in British films. None of them would last a second in the states, I think. Eggsy is impressed, and he decides to hear more about where this adventure might take him, and perhaps to finally make something of himself. They never really reveal this aspect, but maybe he also wants to find out what kind of man his father was, and this mysterious knight offers him the best chance.
Eggsy is immediately harassed when he meets the other Kingsman candidates because of his class, or lack of class, actually. There are nine candidates in all, and only one of them will be chosen to be the next Lancelot, following the tragic vertical bisection of the last poor chap. There are the typical taunts and jests of the rich brat types, but Eggsy manages to shut them up, with his actions. He excels in the training program, and no spoiler here, he is in the top three candidates left at the end of the training. He is paired well with another candidate, Roxy (Sophie Cookson) who also manages to make it to the finals. Do either of them have the balls to do what is necessary to complete the training? Would you?
Meanwhile, the bad guy is building up his plans for world domination. Valentine is an eccentric billionaire who has come up with a bold plan to save the world from the virus that is destroying it. You guessed it, WE are the virus, and he has the cure. Two guesses what he wants to do to the virus. Bingo! Samuel L. Jackson slips in and out of this weird lispy accent, but it didn’t dilute his work. Like his previous Mr. Glass, he came across as kind of a child in a man’s body, with a genius mind. But Valentine can’t stand the sight of blood . . . especially his own. He’s building an elite cabal of people who either join him or they disappear. Naturally, this activity gets the attention of the Kingsman.
No Bond, errr, I mean flashy spy movie would be complete without some random henchman with a special attack. Enter Gazelle (Sofia Boutella) or as I kept referring to her, Blades. She doesn’t have feet below her shins, she has specialized, incredibly sharp edges like elongated hockey skate blades. She uses them brutally effectively. She is the textbook definition of ruthless. She has a strange amorous devotion to Valentine. He trusts her more than, literally, anyone else in the world! Sadly we never see Gazelle and Valentine love scene – in fact, there weren’t any love scenes that I recall. You want love and pain? Go see that Twilight fan-fiction everyone won’t shut up about. Kingsman: The Secret Service is just an orgy of violence with quirky idiocy spread throughout.
While Eggsy completes his training, he is thrust into the master plot to cull the virus that is humanity. Thing is, he is human, his mum is human, his baby sister is human. He kinda wants humanity left alone. He’s out of his league though, in dealing with a maniacal lunatic that has managed to garner support from almost every single person with power and influence . . . all the way to the top of the food chain, even!
With the countdown ticking down to V-Day, ahem, Valentine’s Day, no less, where Valentine plans on massacring most of the population, Eggsy and his team must infiltrate the hidden lair where all the lucky people with these special implants will be protected from Valentine’s special gift to mother earth.
What I really liked about Kingsman is that it got serious at times, but it also managed to be ridiculous and visually fun. It wasn’t as sexy as I would have liked, but I am sure the ladies would disagree, as Taron Egerton cleans up nicely. And, when I first saw the previews, I thought, ugh, I don’t want to watch this douchebag join a secret spy agency. He looks like a piece of shit, it’s gonna be hard to root for him. I was pleasantly surprised that I actually did care about Eggsy, almost from the jump.
Kingsman: The Secret Service is worth watching in the theater, but you may notice a few obvious CGI crowd-people in certain fight scenes where there is a global brawl. It didn’t detract from my overall enjoyment of this film. And when the reckoning begins, you’ll either be shocked and happy, or shocked and dismayed at what happens in the end. If you follow me on twitter, you’ll know which way I went.
So, Happy Valentine’s Day, and be careful when someone offers you free shit – there is almost always a price to pay!
HUGE SPOILER ALERT HERE – Do NOT read any further, avert your eyes, stop reading, what the hell is wrong with you?
Ok, I guess you want to know . . . I won’t be surprised if this film causes HUGE controversy and has the United States Secret Service making a few phone calls to our friends overseas. That’s all I will say about that.
