Gulliver’s Travels

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Swift shot: The 3D is just a gimmick to take more cash out of your pockets, first and foremost, avoid spending money on this one – PERIOD! Jack Black grew on me over the years, but this latest outing needed to stay lost at sea, forever.  The running fat guy in a little coat bit gets old rather quickly, and just when I found myself interested in Black’s Gulliver, the idiocy reigned supreme, overshadowing any real interest in these cookie-cutter characters.

I can’t say it was total garbage, but it was garbage for the brain, sure you will laugh a few times, but are you laughing in earnest or are you trapped in that seat and thinking, I better get my money’s worth?  You won’t have to worry about that, because you’ll heed my advice and leave this journey to be experienced at home, months later, on Netflix or on ABC Family or something.  Nothing really dramatic EVER happens in this work, granted it is a family comedy – but what clan of uni-brow buffoons would find this dull fantasy amusing?  I’d rather I never find that out – oh sure, every film has one cult following or other – it takes all kinds, still I stand by my opinion, I never want to meet the cultist weirdos, donning purple sneakers and hoodies to catch a ride to Lilliputia.

One mark for this flick, I enjoyed the novel approach to this modern version of Gulliver’s Travels.  Many of us remember enduring the Ted Danson mini-series in the 90s, hell, I watched at least half of one, because I always found Gulliver’s Travels interesting.  Thank you, Director Rob Letterman (Monsters vs. Aliens, Shark Tale) for actually featuring a normal guy in our modern time period as opposed to some high-sock wearing lame ass.  I liked the quippy little pop-culture references and the bad-ass robot.  I liked looking at Emily Blunt, but to be blunt, I could see her dying inside as she delivered her lines, wondering, is my career in the crapper now, is this how it begins?  I am sure she will bounce back as will Jack Black.

I am not usually this harsh to a film unless it really disappoints me, and maybe I was hoping for a lot more from Gulliver’s Travels than I got – thus the scathing point-blank attack.  Jack Black, take this one off your imdb, because it was an anemic attempt at a family comedy, maybe the kids will like it, but they like freaking Thomas the Tank Engine and Max and Ruby, and freakin Babar, the dictator elephant – so you can’t take their opinions for much.

One more thing, Amanda Peet was under-used and Jason Segel’s character wasn’t killed off fast enough.  I knew him . . . Horatio, yea, so what?  And, finally, a musical number to end all wars, now I know Obama needs to call up Jon Favreau and get with Jack Black and Amanda Peet – apparently terrorists and wars can be thwarted with Elaine Benis’ famous reference to the original title for War and Peace.  Oh God, was that a spoiler?  No, by definition that can only happen if there is something worthy of spoiling – this film was devoid of spoiling, because it was delivered rotten and full of prickly seeds that stick in your teeth and leave stains on your fingers that get all over your lovely tapestries.

I would not recommend anyone pay to see this one, if you do, you don’t have me to blame.