The Human Centipede (First Sequence)

“I don’t like human beings”

Swift shot: People say “it’s all been done” – well, kudos to Tom Six for coming up with something original.  And, there endeth the praise.  This movie sucked so much, it earned the first  ZERO rating on iRATEfilms.  There was NOTHING redeeming about watching this movie, in fact, you will be ashamed you managed to sit through the whole thing at all.  If I were these actor’s agents, I would move to Yemen and pray for a death by stoning, lest my clients find me and do far worse.

First, I heard about this one from @danieltosh, you can read his whole spoiler of the movie here.  I didn’t listen to his spoiler though, just caught the intro, which, whenever there is controversy, you are sure to find an iRATEfilms writer nearby, so, I took it upon myself to screen this disgraceful film – maybe so you won’t have to.

Tom Six directed this nightmare, adapted from the Greek myth about Procrustes, who would trick passers by to sleep on one of two beds, designed to be either too long or too short.  For the tall, he would lop off the excess, and for the short, he would stretch them out.  Considered a heinous taboo of the time, because you just didn’t betray house guests, it was the lowest of crimes.

Enter the modern, Procrustes – Dr. Heiter (Dieter Laser), a world-renown orthopedic surgeon, who specializes in successful Siamese twin separations – to him, the ultimate challenge isn’t separation, it’s conjoining.  He is hell bent, no doubt, on creating a three-dog.  But fate offers him an upgrade, when two of the stupidest girls alive, get a flat tire en-route to a nightclub in Germany.

Oh yea, the girls are American, either students or porn stars, that isn’t exactly nailed down in the First Sequence, and, yes, God help us all, there will be a sequel, already being shot.  Lindsay (Ashley C. Williams) and Jenny (Ashlynn Yennie) are tourists in Germany, just looking to let loose and meet up with a friend.  Then, on the way, they get a flat tire.  Being COMPLETELY incompetent, they decide to walk through creepy German woods at night (these are where Faery Tales usually ended up badly) and happen upon an old pervert and then a secluded house.  Since the rain is really coming down, they are desparate, because, shit, they are getting wet – there are FAR worse things than getting wet, remember that if you are ever stranded.

Anyway, they come upon Dr. Heiter’s home, and I use that term very loosely, when they enter his place there is all this REALLY INCREDIBLY CREEPY SHIT ALL AROUND THEM!  But, hey, he is nice looking enough, and they are wet, and he is German, so he can’t possibly be evil (No, the shirt is German, it says “The Bart, The”).  So, being completely void of any sense, they take him up on his offer for some, wait for it, WATER.  Hey, girls, you are soaked with the stuff, and your instinct, that little voice that should be focusing on more than fashion and music, is SCREAMING at you, “Get the Fuck Outta Here!”  So, yea, they drink the water and they spend the rest of the movie subjected to Doctor Nutjob’s surgical whims.

At one point, the doctor ventures out in town and grabs a Japanese guy (Akihiro Kitamura), because, well, why not, I guess?  So, he grabs this Japanese guy and, as the title implies, he joins all three together.  The movie is disgusting in the logistics of the joining, and where the special effects SHOULD have been redeeming, they cheesed out and used cloth material to cover the cool surgery.  So, like I said, there was NO redeeming value, the acting was crap, the German doctor was piss-poor as a villain, even the German cops who come to the “rescue” are inept buffoons.

Oh, and that quote above the dear ol’ doctor’s picture – he says that BEFORE they drink the water he offers them.  Need I say anymore about this film?  For a film to really be good, it has to be at least SOMEWHAT believable.  This was shit in and shit out – the only reason to see this film is to say, “Yea, I watched that, it was complete crap!”  I’ll give it that the suspense was decent, but again, it was so unbelievably delivered that it came across as silly, at best.