“Must you be so rude, crude, and stupid about everything?”
The H-Bomb: Last week, Film Grouch’s esteemed founder, Rick Swift, was approached by one Myles McLane to review Hit Team, an indie comedy that Mr. McLane wrote, produced, and starred in. Rick happily obliged, and upon viewing the film, proceeded to give it what is possibly the most vicious thrashing he’s ever given any movie. I would daresay even Uwe Boll’s Postal got off easier. Out of what I can only imagine is morbid curiosity, Swift then suggested that I give Hit Team a look, as I have been known to go on profane tirades against terrible movies. Sensing a challenge in Swift’s invitation, I gladly accepted, because like the Dark Knight, I rise to any challenge.
Billed as a “Dark Comedy,” Hit Team tells the story of two assassins who arrive in Los Angeles in order to eliminate six targets over the course of a day. This set up brings back memories of Michael Mann’s superb Collateral, a film I could be watching… but I digress. Our two killers are Ruthie (Emerald Robinson) and Max (McLane). She’s gorgeous and deadly, he’s horny and retarded. As you can imagine, they get on about as well as oil and water. While her mind is on the job at hand, his mind is always on her. He reminds us of this pretty much every time he opens his mouth to speak, and no matter how many times she strikes him in the testicles, this will not change. His boner will not die. Such is life.
Anyhow, in addition to being a hopeless pervert romantic, Max is also a terrible shot and the single most incompetent hit man to have ever lived. This leaves Ruthie to rub out the targets herself, while Max daydreams of rubbing her ass. Their homicidal antics eventually draw the attention of two detectives, Akeem (Roger Payano) and Cynthia (Anita Leeman), who speculate over what went down at each crime scene with an impressive degree of inaccuracy. A dumber pair of movie dicks, the silver screen has never seen.
Aside from having these woefully dense detectives on their trail, Max and Ruthie also must contend with their boss, Michael Cunningham (Douglas Macpherson), a dapper dandy of a crime lord who they managed to piss off, and is now on his way to town to kill them. So… long and short of it, stupid killers being chased by stupid cops and a stupid gangster for basically stupid reasons. Stupidity seems to be a running theme here… how appropriate.
As I said at the start of this, Rick really hated the living piss out of Hit Team, and having seen it for myself, I can understand how he feels. Fortunately for Hit Team, I saw it within a week of seeing Birdemic for the first time. Birdemic makes just about any film look like an Oscar contender by comparison. When holding Hit Team up next to Birdemic, I can at least say that Hit Team is well edited and nicely photographed. On a technical level, director Mark Newton is a perfectly competent filmmaker. Unfortunately, this is where the praise ends.
Here’s my rather haphazard analogy to describe this rather haphazard movie, imagine Tommy Wiseau channeling the Zucker Brothers, if the Zucker Brothers ever attempted a Tarantino spoof. Thing is, as whacky as the Zucker Brothers’ movies tend to get, the reason they work is because they’re populated with characters who have no idea they’re in a comedy. In The Naked Gun, Leslie Nielsen plays Frank Drebin completely straight, like he stepped out of Hill Street Blues, and it’s his clueless, straight-faced reaction to all the lunacy around him that makes the movie funny.
The characters in Hit Team, on the other hand, are all-too-aware that they’re in a comedy, and because of that, the actors ham it up and mug accordingly. They all play it goofy and zany… and it just doesn’t work. The funniest actors are the ones who come off as totally natural when saying or doing absurd things. They make it look effortless. The players in Hit Team are just straining with effort as they all seemingly subscribe to the more-is-more school of comedy. Nuance is a concept these folks are entirely unfamiliar with.
The performances here… my God… it feels as though I’m watching several lousy stand-up comedians trying to work a room all at once. McLane, whose spastic overacting is downright depressing to watch, comes off the worst. To be fair though, nobody comes out of this thing looking good, except for the fetching Ms. Robinson, but that sure as shit has nothing to do with her performance. The fact that most of the dialogue sounds dubbed really doesn’t do the actors any favors.
Perhaps the blame can be placed at the feet of the director for the ham-fisted performances, though with a script this bloody inane, not even comedic A-Listers like Steve Carell or Tina Fey could’ve made it work. Not since Movie 43 have I encountered writing this utterly bereft of wit. The dialogue consists of some of the most idiotic drivel you will ever hear in your life, and there is not a single, solitary laugh to be found in the whole film. Not one. I’d quote some dialogue for you, but for the sake of my own mental wellbeing, I’ve already blocked most of it out. Seriously, who read this ass-wipe script and thought it was funny… or even mildly amusing… or worth making at all? Give me a fuckin’ name!
Even at a scant 96 minutes, Hit Team feels padded as hell, with scene upon scene of our main characters bickering and bantering in a loop so goddamn repetitive it will surely test the sanity of any and all who watch it. We get it, Max really wants to fuck Ruthie, how many times do we need to hear him say so? We understand, Akeem and Cynthia are like the worst cops ever, quit beating us over the head with it, for fuck’s sake! The grand finale, set in a park, goes on for over twenty minutes, and turns the last leg of the film into the most tedious slog imaginable. By the time it finally came to a close, I was never so happy to see end credits in my life.
I truly wish I had something positive to say about Hit Team, but I don’t want to lie. I’m going to have to concur with Mr. Swift on this one, it is an absolute blast from the ass. A “comedy” so pathetically unfunny that it actually is kind of funny… except it isn’t. I’m all for supporting independent film, as many great things can come from a lot of imagination and very few resources. Hit Team, sadly, is not worth the time, the money, or the effort, not on the part of the filmmakers, and most definitely not on the part of the audience.
If you are interested in giving Hit Team a look for yourself, you may see it here: Hit Team
