Come for the pizza, stay for… not much else.
Directed by: Donald Petrie
Written by: Steve Galluccio, Vinay Virmani
Cast: Hayden Christensen, Emma Roberts, Alyssa Milano, Danny Aiello, Andrea Martin
Like a traditional pizza, every good romcom needs a well-done crust and an equally delicious sauce. Topped with just enough cheese and left to bake in the oven, it’s a recipe for culinary success if not box office gold. Sadly, for the makers of Little Italy
But let’s talk about the story first! Little Italy tells the tale of two pizza making families who work together at a pizzeria with three generations pitching in to make the place a success. The Campos specialize in the dough, while the Angiolis perfect the sauce — with each family having their own secret ingredients comprised of “Nunya” as in “None Ya Bizness” as we’re told a few times.
While the older generations toil in the kitchen, tweens Nikki Angioli and Leo Campo are left to their own devices… which in Canada’s Little Italy apparently means running through open fire hydrants, playing one-on-one soccer, and lighting firecrackers under sleeping neighbors. Mama mia!
As luck would have it, the annual Little Italy festival is holding a competition for best pizza in town. The partners enter and score first place, but their celebration is short-lived as an argument breaks out over whose contribution was most instrumental in their victory. So begins the ridiculous feud that sets Little Italy’s plot in motion.
Years go by and little Nikki (Roberts) is now a chef-in-training at a prestigious London culinary institute run by Ms. Corrine, played by Jane Seymour, doing her best to channel Gordon Ramsay. As one of Ms. Corrine’s star pupils, Nikki is offered a position at the celebrity chef’s new restaurant, but only if she wins a competition against another high-achieving student.
Whomever wows Ms. Corrine with their menu will secure the prestigious head chef role and inevitable accolades in the press. Nikki is thrilled by the opportunity, but decides to return home for a much-needed break from culinary school, perhaps to find some inspiration for her menu in the place where it all began for her.
Meanwhile, back in Little Italy the family feud is still going strong as the Campos and Angiolis now run their own pizzerias — right next door to each other. How sitcom! The rivalry is kept alive by Nikki and Leo’s fathers primarily, while the mothers and grandparents pretend to hate one another to appease the man-babies.
Grown up Leo (Christensen) is now working at his father’s pizzeria by day and bar-tending at a local haunt by night to make ends meet. Lo and behold, fate i.e. one of Nikki’s neighborhood friends (played convincingly by Cristina Rosato – a revelation), arranges for her to run into Leo again during one of his night shifts.
After several shots at the bar and egged on by mutual friends, the two twenty-somethings pick up their childhood rivalry… inexplicably on a soccer field… in the pouring rain. That vodka must have been strong!
Before long, the pair of lovebirds are Vespa-ing around town to re-discover their shared youth. Cut to them driving through an open hydrant, high-fiving locals, and terrorizing the same poor old man with firecrackers.
It should be noted that Leo also inexplicably shares a room with his bartender manager, which happens to have a wood stove and a rooftop garden. It’s against this backdrop that Leo shares his own culinary dreams with Nikki… he wants to make thin-crust square pizzas with organic ingredients for hipsters. I shit you not! His greatest ambition in life is to place figs and arugula on overpriced pizzas and panini.
Once word gets out that Nikki and Leo have begun seeing each other, the family rivalry reaches a fever pitch as both fathers have more ammunition for their weekly insult matches held at the local bar.
There are a few subplots that try to inject some humor into the otherwise by-the-numbers Little Italy, with mixed results. Each pizzeria has an Indian employee who hates the other, and inevitably they hook up… same goes for Nikki’s grandmother (Martin) and Leo’s grandfather (Aiello). Martin and Aiello make the most of their scenes, but deserve better from Steve Galluccio and Vinay Virmani’s screenplay.
It all comes to a head when the grandparents conspire to invite everyone to a family dinner — at a Kama Sutra-inspired Indian restaurant for some cheap sight gags — to announce their big news. As insults fly again, the fathers hatch a scheme to end the family’s rivalry once and for all, with Nikki and Leo competing at the upcoming Little Italy festival (since their fathers earned a lifetime ban after their shenanigans led to terrible PR for the competition and the area.)
Yep, you guessed it… love wins! Despite besting Nikki in the best pizza competition, Leo does not accept the trophy, claiming that he used Nikki’s sauce… pandemonium ensues… and, because this is a romcom… Nikki jumps into a cab and heads to the airport in the span of 10 seconds after losing the competition. Forget saying goodbye to anyone – talk about a sore loser!
Leo races to the airport with most of the families in tow, where he professes his love for Nikki. The rivalry ends, and the pair open Pizza Organica — a restaurant that combines the best of both families’recipes along with modern twists to re-define organic pizza for hipsters everywhere.
If the above somehow failed to induce agita, you’re in luck! I’m now going to break down the good, the bad, and the ugly:
The good…
- It’s not Canada posing as NYC’s Little Italy; there’s an actual Little Italy in Toronto, where the film is set. It’s much “littler” than the more iconic Lower East Side neighborhood.
- A few of the music tracks do an adequate job of queuing up Italian cooking a la Louis Prima’s songs in Campbell Scott and Stanley Tucci’s far superior Big Night.
- There’s a great deal of diversity on display with sizable roles given to Chinese and South Asian performers.
- It’s good to see Alyssa Milano again. In fact, I half expected Tony Danza to cameo for a Who’s The Boss? reunion. She slips into her role with ease.
- Andrea Martin and Danny Aiello are good matches for each other and provide some of the few funny moments.
The bad…
- Christensen and Roberts have negative chemistry with each other. It’s not as bad as Christensen’s terrible Star Wars romance with Natalie Portman in Episodes II and III, but it’s very close. At this point, I think it’s fair to lay blame on the performer and not solely his directors. Even in Jumper, with his future ex-wife Rachel Bilson, Christensen struggled to translate his eternally tormented face into something approximating passion.
Of course, Roberts doesn’t give him much to work with. She has maybe one additional face in her repertoire, but it gets old fast.
I think they’re both actors forever trapped in young adulthood. As a result, it’s near impossible for them to portray sex symbols, since they still have the physical qualities of pubescent children. It’s most bizarre with Christensen because his constantly furrowed brow certainly shows his age, yet he still cannot command the screen like a grown-up romantic lead should be able to.
- The Indian characters are written as terrible stereotypes… I can only imagine what comedian Hari Kondabolu would think. Come to think of it, the Italians are also a collection of stereotypes, which leads me to believe the screenwriters felt they had license, since Vinay Virmani seems to be of Indian descent, while Steve Galluccio likely has Italian heritage.
- Believe it or not, the “sexy”scene of Christensen and Roberts on a soccer field in the rain is more awkward and cringe-inducing than it sounds.
The ugly…
- Little Italy’s opening scenes feature Nikki and Leo going on their misadventures as tweens. While the casting for young Emma Roberts is spot on, the kid they cast to portray what we’re to believe grows up to be Hayden Christensen looks NOTHING LIKE HIM. They found a kid with jet-black hair and super dark skin with features like a young Ronaldo… There’s suspension of disbelief, but no amount of black hair dye is passing Christensen off for this kid all grown up.
- Leo’s buddy and boss Luigi (Andrew Phung) reveals that he goes by his Italian nickname because he was shunned by the Chinese community for being gay. Upon becoming newly Italian, he found greater acceptance. As much as I wanted to like this, since he’s faking and I write for FakingStarWar.net, I simply could not!
How in the year of our Lord 2018 are we throwing shade at the biggest box office market in the world by proclaiming Chinese culture homophobic? Luigi’s preposterous explanation is delivered via soundbyte, and ends with Luigi hugging Leo and grabbing his ass, further propagating stereotypes, which can lead to homophobia. Oh, the irony.
- After Leo makes weed-spiked pizza for the police, because of the Angiolis messing with his ingredients, there’s a frisking scene that feels completely out of place. A female police officer commits what is essentially sexual assault on Leo, while making terrible double-entendre laden remarks. The scene is seemingly played for gags, but feels super tone-deaf in this day and age.
With that said, unless you’re morbidly curious to see what became of Star Wars prequel actor Hayden Christensen, there’s no reason to suffer through Little Italy.
May the Faux Be With You!
