“They should put that in the brochure, guests may get eaten.”
Directed by: Colin Trevorrow
Written by: Rick Jaffa, Amanda Silver, Colin Trevorrow, Derek Connolly
Cast: Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard, Ty Simpkins, Vincent D’Onofrio, Nick Robinson
Swift shot: U.B.B.S. – I can’t remember which one of my friends coined that acronym, but it stands for Unbelievable Bullshit. That’s when something so incredibly convenient happens in a film that it defies logic and is more commonly referred to as “suspension of disbelief.” But, let’s face it, that sounds too pretentious and anachronistic. So, all the U.B.B.S. aside, Jurassic World is DINO-MIGHT, if a tad formulaic.
Gray (Simpkins) and Zach (Nick Robinson) are about to make their first visit to Jurassic World, some 20 years following the disaster that was Jurassic Park, which actually never saw any guests. Let’s be honest, neither of these parks should ever exist. Or, if they did exist, they should only breed HERBIVORES! But, that wouldn’t be much of a film, so, yes, we apparently learned our lessons from Jurassic Park and now have Jurassic World, a much larger, much more technologically advanced version of its predecessor. What could possibly go wrong?
Alas, in a mere twenty years, we are told, that humanity is already bored with all these lame dinosaurs just walking around in captivity. So, they decide to make the most lethal genetic monster ever put on the screen. Seriously, the only thing missing from this thing was a pair of “Contrasonic Plasma Projectors” from Gammarauders! I am talking about the new bad boy of Hollywood, Indominus rex! She is forty feet of NOPE, NOPE, NOPE!
The park’s media director Claire (Howard), or whatever her title was, is Gray and Zach’s aunt. She’s supposed to be showing them around, but due to some sponsors for the Indominus rex, she can’t be bothered with chaperoning her sister’s kids for two days. Claire gives the thankless task to her assistant, Zara (Katie McGrath) who is no Mary Poppins, and is ill-suited to the task, so she doesn’t really relish her assignment.
Gray is now up for the most annoying kid award, that’s three this year with Tomorrowland and The Babadook. Since this is the summer, I am sure I will see more. Anyway, Gray and his brother are our guides around all the locations of the park. Fairly early into their trek, they ditch Zara and go it alone, with their special access pass. As you probably guessed, they don’t follow the park’s restricted area signs, and are now in peril. Brilliant!
Meanwhile, Owen (Pratt) is this bad ass Navy veteran who has been hired to find problems with the I rex’ containment cell, prior to her sponsor’s sign-off. The head of the whole park, Mr. Masrani (Irrfan Khan) is the master of U.B.B.S; he excels at making really dumb decisions! It’s a miracle he’s managed to be rich and not dead.
Owen is a gruff critic of people who don’t understand the lethality and natural order of these animals. To him, they aren’t numbers, they are creatures that deserve attention and respect. And, to learn more about the behavioral capacity of the raptors, Owen’s started training them to fetch for their supper. He’s grown attached to one raptor in particular, he’s named “Blue” due to her markings.
At one point, Owen is displaying his skills with the raptors and a one-dimensional hawkish boogeyman, Hoskins (D’Onofrio) is trying to convince him of the military potential of these killing machines. Because, let’s face it, they are killing machines. On this point, I agree with him – on the potential for them to be trained as fighters; however, are you fucking kidding me, Hoskins?!? Have another slice of crazy pie, you twisted creep!
So, this is all the set-up you really need for the story without giving away some of the more incredibly U.B.B.S. moments of the film. Suffice it to say, there are many! Yes, desperation leads to some poor choices in the film, but as you are watching everything play out, all you can think is . . . well, duh! Of COURSE this was going to happen, because it was a REALLY bad idea, you morons! Again, that is what makes films like this so wonderfully entertaining . . . the characters keep doing stupid shit just to make things amusing. Jurassic World will definitely thrill you, but it defies credibility throughout.
I’ll say this much, if we ever have the capacity to make these creatures, and we make carnivores, and we further make them more genetically superior than anything else on the planet, and we then open a park to see these things, we can’t say we weren’t warned about playing God. Jurassic World should serve as a – DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME – learning opportunity.
There was one scene that was a direct homage to a certain Hitchcock classic. I am afraid if I mention more about it, it might be considered a spoiler. I will say this much, “I suddenly remembered my Charlemagne. . . ” All the grandiose cinematography from Jurassic Park is intact, with a refined edge that only our modern cinema can provide. There is comic relief to take you off the edge of your seat, and the attention to detail vis a vis product placement is perfect.
I know some critics get all “product placement, ugh” whenever they see an obvious plug in a film. But to me, seeing Margaritaville as one of the restaurants at “Isla Nublar” makes the immersion factor tangible. I hate when I am watching something and they use something that looks akin to the place, person or product I use in real life, because it takes me out of the film as much as an annoying talker or a cell-phone screen glowing in the front row. When Owen takes a swig of that ice cold Coke, in a glass bottle, no less, I was thinking, well, yea, that’s exactly what I would be doing in that scene. So, kudos on the plugs, because they didn’t feel forced and actually engaged me more in each scene. Subtlety is the key when it comes to product immersion; it’s like fine acting, a delicate balance between not enough and too much. Jurassic World, I felt, nailed it.
Jurassic World is spectacular and is sure to “wow audiences” young and old. There were certainly countless thrilling scenes, and you’ll want to run out and tell your friends all about it. Chris Pratt is #Prattastic (that’s my word, you hacks!) as no-nonsense trainer who has serious testicular fortitude as he leads a pack of raptors like the wolf-pack alpha he claims to be. I want his rifle too, it looked ideal for fighting off small vermin. But let’s be honest, for taking out a fucking behemoth like the Indominus rex, no! Also, it helps if you actually shoot the damned thing! Many times throughout I was restraining myself from yelling out, WELL, SHOOT THE DAMNED THING!
This is, by far, the thriller of the summer you’ve been waiting over twenty years to see – you will not be bored, that’s for damned sure!
