The BFG

Directed by: Steven Spielberg
Written by: Melissa Mathison
Cast: Mark Rylance, Ruby Barnhill, Penelope Wilton 

Swift shot: I remember seeing E.T. as a kid and watching how every generation fell in love, from the youngest in the audience all the way to the blue hairs, and I was expecting nothing less from The BFG. I was disappointed. I set the bar very high for this one, and it just never managed to keep me enthralled. Sure, typically I ask only to be “entertained,” to be engaged enough to get from scene to scene. But, when I hear small children consistently sighing (and yawning) around me, I knew I was right to be less than bewildered.

There was no genuine chemistry between any of the characters, and it was too sappy . . . even for me. Granted, my eight year old loved it, so that is at least one generation it managed to grasp. Will it impress you though? Doubtful, if you really pay attention.

Sophie (Barnhill) is a precocious orphan who does a better job taking care of the place than the woman in charge. It’s well understood that that lady is merely going through the motions. Sophie wants more, a lot more, and she is supposedly afraid, but she barely conveys fear in any scene. I mean, hell, while she is being kidnapped by a freakin’ giant, she doesn’t even make a peep in the night! And then when she ends up in his frying pan, he laughs when she asks if he is about to eat her. Uhm, no shit, dude, you stole her in the night, didn’t say ONE word to her, tossed her in a pan and then she calmly asks if she is about to be a masticated morsel.

That was about the time I started getting annoyed with the film. It lacked any kind of truth in dialog. I was perpetually perturbed at Sophie, who literally didn’t do one good God damned thing the BFG (Rylance) asked her to do, even once it was established he was only trying to help her. It was like those Geico commercials, Sophie is going to disobey you, because that’s what she does.

The plot is simple, a lonely giant kidnaps a girl, because he goofs and she sees him one night. He figures if she sees him and tells anyone there will be a rumpus-dumpus (giant hunt) and he and his fellow giants will be screwed. Granted, this is really just a dumb idea on the surface. She is a little girl with a vast imagination, all he really needed to do was leave her the hell alone and let her tell the world about him. Who in their right mind would believe a little kid talking about seeing giants? Ok, so maybe the plot annoyed me too. BFG does admit to always being left instead of right. Yea, clearly!

Come to think of it, there were a lot of scenes that annoyed me. Maybe you can get past them and figure that everything is forgivable because it is Dahl, Spielberg, Mathison, and John Williams. But, even Williams’ scoring lacked any kind of verve. There was no variation in the melodious meandering that felt tacked on to each scene. Typically I wet myself (from different orifices) whenever I hear a Williams piece, but nothing stirred in my soul at the BFG. The music was flatter than my ex-wife’s audition for the Met!

Ok, so, BFG shows Sophie what he does for a living, I guess you would call it that anyway. She pesters him into it, like a badger with rabies who won’t take the hint to get lost. BFG is happy to have a little friend around, especially since his brothers pick on him mercilessly. They are nine of the nastiest creatures on God’s Earth, and while he gives their names, it isn’t really clear who is who in the clan of giants. Not that it matters, but they all eat “beans” – as in human beings. Only BFG is a vegetarian, he eats some gross squash-looking thing called a snozzcumber. And if words like that annoy you, stay tuned, there’s plenty of frobscottle to be found in The BFG.

“Oh, Rick, you are just so not getting this movie, it’s based on a wonderful book,” my detractors will say.

Well, I didn’t read the book, for the last time, I am a M O V I E critic, so stop asking me to read everything too! But, had I read the book, I would have conjured up characters in my mind’s eye that co-existed in a more coherent way. It was fairly evident to me that there were three components in every scene, the incredible cinematography of the real world, the animated giants, then the little girl. They only fully worked together in one or two scenes. For anyone less than Spielberg, this would have been fine, but I expect nothing but perfection from him!

I didn’t totally hate The BFG though, it had some magical moments that really did “work” on every level, if only for a fleeting moment. I loved the “dream blowing” sequences, where BFG and Sophie are planting dreams in people’s minds.

I am sorry I didn’t enjoy this one as much as most people seem to, I really am. It was no E.T., and it was no Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (which I loved as a kid). This won’t capture as many cross-generational audiences as either of those fine films. But, it will probably do fairly well at the box office, because it is summer, and it has all the right pieces for a fine family film . . . even if they don’t all gel together as I was hoping.

Will it leave you dreaming for more? You bet your scuzzfurttle it will!