The “Meta” sequel to Rick Swift’s ‘favorite’ film of 2010!
The H-Bomb: Wow. Fine readers of iRATEFilms, I have seen some Baaad movies in my life. Be it Princess Coppola’s recent pretentious non-movie, Somewhere, or the all time crud sucker, Texas Chainsaw Massacre 4, I have plummeted to the deepest depths of cinematic depravity, and I have managed to survive most of them unscathed. I weathered the uncensored international cut of A Serbian Film, and was able to laugh about it afterward. I managed to sit through Irreversible, and managed to not only not get sick by all the spinney cam, but to actually love that film. In fact, never, in the almost three decades of my movie watching life, has a film, no matter how hard it tried, made me physically ill . . . until tonight.
Normally I don’t sit down immediately after watching a movie to review it, but tonight, I have seen Hell with mine own two eye . . . and it is The Human Centipede II. I knew enough about the first Human Centipede to know I had no interest in seeing it (I watched enough “caustic” video reviews of it to know the whole plot, including the ending, anyway), so what possibly could have drawn me to this “meta” sequel? I don’t know, what draws us to smoke our first cigarette, or to try crack-cocaine, or to voluntarily eat at McDonald’s . . . we as human beings are sometimes just inexplicably pulled to things we know will be bad for us. I knew this would be bad, and I had a plentiful supply of alcohol that I thought would help me through it, but Christ on his throne, I should have brought along a barf bag!
It happened at the extensive climax of the film. Our “hero” has accomplished his “goal,” sewing up twelve people ass-to-mouth. I had long passed the point of “I don’t give a fuck” and was just laughing my ass off at what was happening on screen . . . that’s when the film decided to wholly and completely one-up its predecessor in utter cinematic grossness:
[***SPOILER ALERT***]
The “hero” goes up to the front human and force feeds her canned dog food through a tube. This starts a chain reaction where each person sprays diarrhea into the mouth of the person behind them. Then as a capper, the “hero” goes up to the lady at the end of the centipede and pulls down his pants, revealing his chubby little pecker wrapped in barbwire. He penetrates her with his barbed-up thing . . . and that’s when it happened . . . I gagged, then before I knew it, the contents of my stomach were all over the footrest in front of me.
[***END SPOILER ALERT***]
Congratulations to Tom Six, the writer/director of both Human Centipede films and real life Internet Troll, of all the gore-strewn movies I have seen, yours is the first to make me spew. Fuck You!
Holy God, now that I have that off my chest, my review proper shall commence. The Human Centipede II is a film that no person should ever, ever, EVER SEE! If one ever had the option of watching this movie once or being water-boarded with un-flushed toilet water for twelve hours straight, I would, for their sake, recommend the water boarding. Terrorists would not even fathom forcing infidels to watch this movie, because even they would consider it unconscionably cruel and unusual punishment. Great Caesar’s Ball Sack, have I spelled it out enough for you people?!
Okay, I shall continue. Ugggghhhh, is this “plot” even worth describing? Fine, here it is, our “hero” is a short, fat, toad-crossed-with-a-slug like man named Martin (Laurence R. Harvey), hopefully no relation to Laurence Harvey of The Manchurian Candidate fame. This human dung beetle lives a miserable life in a London flat with his horrible old witch-bitch of a mother, and works a solitary job as a parking garage attendant/security guard. He’s a quiet type (in fact he never says a word the entire movie, though he does scream and make pig like grunts when he tries to assert himself) who apparently was molested by daddy, which is why he is apparently mentally challenged. Oh, and he loves The Human Centipede, oh does he love it! He’s obsessed with it. He watches it on his laptop, when it ends he rewinds it and immediately watches it again, he keeps a scrapbook full of photos and notes from the movie, and he even wraps his schlong up with sandpaper as he beats off to the three way ass-to-mouth climax.
See, that’s what makes The Human Centipede II a “Meta Sequel” (latest bullshit term dreamed up by wannabe film hipsters), because it’s set in “the real world” where the original movie is just a movie, and this one is about the sad little fuck who worships it and its protagonist, Dr. Heiter, like gods. In fact, Martin doesn’t just hold the fictional Dr. Heiter in high esteem, he takes detailed notes of Heiter’s ass-to-mouth methods because he aims not simply to follow in his footsteps, but to surpass him completely.
And that he does! As I mentioned, he doesn’t get just three people chain-linked, but twelve! Over the course of the film, he stalks his victims, some known to him, others complete strangers he chances upon in the parking garage . . . all in for a unfathomably horrible fate! He incapacitates them, ties them up, and takes them to a dingy warehouse he “rented.” Once he has all twelve, including one pregnant woman, he aims to finish what his make-believe mentor started! Bring on the barf inducing climax I covered earlier! Oh, and this time it’s in beautiful Black & White, because Tom “Sick-Fuck” Six thinks that makes it artistic! Yes, it was a Black & White movie that made me toss my cookies. Cannibal Holocaust, Day of the Dead, a B&W flick managed to make me do what you couldn’t.
I’m guessing this toad-slug Martin is the exact kind of person that director Six imagined would be the target audience for the first Human Centipede. To that, I have to give it to Mr. Six, he’s probably absolutely, spot-on fucking right! Martin is exactly the kind of anti-social, manic-depressive, psychotic, terminally fucked-up kind of individual who would enjoy and idolize these utterly worthless, witless, detestable sick-jokes masquerading as movies.
I just as soon assume Mr. Six had no fucking audience in mind, as he is a troll filmmaker, in the Uwe Boll mold, who is making these for what is known in the Internet parlance as the “Lulz.” I honestly believe he made these atrocities simply so he could walk into a darkened theater with a pair of night vision goggles and laugh at all the people who are choking and puking in the aisles because of the wretch inducing garbage he created.
I can honestly think of no other reason why this movie exists. I also can’t imagine why Ashlynn Yennie, one of the female stars of the original, agreed to come back to play “herself,” who happens to be the object of Martin’s masturbatory fantasies. Not only does she return, but she allows herself to be completely demeaned yet again by stripping naked, getting on her hands and knees, and becoming part of the twelve part human centipede. Oh dear Ashlynn, I hope the money was worth it, sweetheart.
In case you haven’t caught on by now, people, I shall spell it out: I did not like The Human Centipede II. Just thought I’d reiterate that, just in case one of you out there is more retarded than dear Martin. Not just the worst film of 2011, not just the worst film of the past decade, but quite possibly the worst film I have ever fucking subjected myself to. No, make that DEFINITELY the worst film! Move over Texas Chainsaw Massacre 4, unholy piece of S-H-I-Tut that you are. This is now the movie by which I will compare all other horrible movies. I’m no prude, I can take the worst that cinema can dish out, but . . . again, this literally made me vomit! It’s a reprehensible abomination, its existence is indefensible, and now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go clean the vomit off my footrest.
