EPIC LULZ
Directed by: Leo Gabriadze
Written by: Nelson Greaves
Starring: Shelley Hennig, Moses Storm, Renee Olstead, Will Peltz, Jacob Wysocki
The H-Bomb: Laura Barns (Heather Sossaman) was just your average high schooler when, one year ago, she got piss drunk at a party, then proceeded to do something very, very embarrassing. I’m talking crawl-in-a-hole-and-die embarrassing. Her embarassing act was recorded by someone and put on teh internets. From there, poor little Laura was cyber-bullied without mercy, and eventually driven to suicide.
Now, on the anniversary of her death, six of her friends, whose names really aren’t worth mentioning, are all chatting on Skype, when weird shit starts happening. First, there’s the presence of a faceless, unwanted stranger in their chat, then one of them starts receiving messages from Laura on Facebook. Initially, they assume their dead friend’s account was probably hacked, but the messages quickly turn creepy and threatening.
That’s when our little darlings realize that they’re being cyber-stalked by something other than a highly skilled troll, something far more dangerous…
OMFG whatta POS!!! SRSLY!!! LOL!!!
Okay, snarky web slang aside, Unfriended, which has its share of admirers out there, does have a good idea at its core. An idea that is fairly novel for “found footage” horror, though a similar idea was already done, far more successfully, in a segment of V/H/S. The notion of a horror movie set entirely around a Skype conversation has the potential to be creepy as hell. Unfortunately, the execution here completely misses the mark.
Things do get off to a solid start, with a web video of Laura committing suicide that is disturbingly realistic. Director Leo Gabriadze smartly keeps the camera fixed on the screen of the lead character’s laptop for the entire film, without a single cutaway, allowing events to play out in real time, over the course of eighty minutes. Also, having a character type a message, then pause, think about it, and either re-write the message, or delete entirely without sending it, added a nice touch of realism. Clearly, there was more thought put into this than into the average found footage flick… sadly, that ain’t saying much.
While the text messages are at times used in clever ways, too much time is spent simply watching said text get typed out on screen. The written exchanges between the protagonist and the “cyber-stalker” quickly become redundant, “Who are you?” “Laura.” “No, who are you really? Is that you, Val?” We get about maybe ten variations of that exchange repeated throughout the film, and as stated, we are just watching this conversation get typed out. As if that isn’t fun enough, later on we’re forced to watch files download and web videos buffer in real time. I don’t like to watch my computer do this shit in real life, why would I want to see it in a horror movie? Dare I say, it gets fucking boring.
Then there are the protagonists themselves, and their never ending web-chat. Whenever I think back to a film like Scream, I’m reminded that there was a time when teenage characters in horror flicks weren’t written entirely to be brainless, obnoxious douchebags. That time has long passed. The characters that populate Unfriended are the kind of tweenbag dickheads I would unfriend in a heartbeat. They are complete assholes, and listening to them goad each other early in the picture is like nails on a fucking chalkboard.
The actors aren’t terrible, but their characters are so goddamn unpleasant, I prayed for their inevitable demise to come sooner rather than later. Not only are our zit-faced heroes utterly irritating, the story itself is predictable as hell. From the outset, I knew exactly who was cyber-stalking these kids, and why. The movie treats each turn in the story like it’s some shocking revelation, when I saw it coming miles away. I even predicted which order these kids would die in, and how they would die. Gee, that kid showing off the big knife his daddy bought him, I wonder how he’s going to get it…
The filmmakers do attempt to ratchet up the tension during the big climatic sequence, a fucked up version of Truth or Dare that our cyber-stalker forces the group to play. We’re meant to be on the edge of our seats, biting our nails. I, however, was pissing myself in my easy chair, instead. The actors do try, God bless them. They really do go into full emotional overdrive, it’s just that when they’re screaming out, with absolute earnest conviction, lines like, “I was the one who started the rumor that you had an eating disorder,” or “I was the one who told on you for smoking pot, I’m so sorry!!!” I could do nothing but laugh my tits off.
When the film’s final shot, featuring a truly shoddy CGI ghost, came, I literally fell to the floor in a fit of hysterics. I kind of doubt that was the reaction the director intended, but hey, at least I was no longer bored. Anyhow, I must reiterate that Unfriended does have many, many fans out there, so take my review with a grain of salt. It may just work for you. I will say, in my own defense, that I am a horror fan, and I can get down with a slow burning ghost story, but for me, Unfriended never even rose to the level of mildly creepy, let alone all out scary. It’s interesting approach aside, I ultimately found it dull, grating, and by the end, pretty damn funny.
